“It’s a Two-Way Street”

[Dave Baldwin]

You’ve heard it before. “It’s a two-way street,” we always say. If I do a favor for you, if I promise to have your back when the going gets rough, if I volunteer some of my time to help you with a difficult business problem, or if I make myself available for late-night phone calls, then “it’s a two-way street.” When we make a commitment to someone else, we begin to feel a sense of entitlement. We begin to believe that the other person is indebted to us. It’s in our DNA. We live in a quid pro quo world. If I do a good turn for you, I have the right to expect that you’ll do a good turn for me—on my terms, at the time that I ask for it, in specifically the form that I request, even if it means that you have to drop everything to do it.

Have you ever gotten a phone call or an e-mail that said something along the lines of “I’ve been there for you; remember when I did XYZ for you last year? Well, right now is the time when I am really counting on you to come through for me.” If you think about it, most people do favors for other people in exchange for a blank check. It’s almost like that scene in The Godfather, where Don Corleone agrees to do a dark deed as a “gift,” but stipulates that he will expect to be repaid in the form of an undefined “service” at some point in the future. Would you do business on terms like these?

Undefined expectations destroy friendships, marriages, and business relationships alike. I have heard it stated that “an expectation is a premeditated resentment.” The problem with the “two-way street” paradigm is that it creates vague expectations. Over time, these expectations become toxic.

The way we help friends in need tends to be a bit unbalanced and unfair. The first person to do a favor is at a distinct advantage. For example, if I agree to pick you up at the airport and don’t ask for anything in return, and you’ve never done me any favors before, I am free to say “no” (or not volunteer the offer if you didn’t ask). Also, I will have the advantage of knowing what the favor is before agreeing to it or declining it. But suppose that I accept your request to pick you up at the airport, and then six months later ask you to keep my slobbery, obnoxious dog for a three-day weekend? You may feel that this is too much to ask and that it is a far greater inconvenience than picking you up at the airport was for me. But if you say no, and our friendship is a “two-way street,” then I have the right to expect that you will say “yes” unless there is a legitimate reason why you absolutely can’t do it (for example, if you are going out of town during that same weekend).

I’m not convinced that this idea of a “two-way street” is a good idea. So, I have a different proposal.

I understand that business is business, and that the bills don’t get paid by being nice to everybody and expecting nothing in return. What I’m challenging is the practice of giving favors with undefined expectations. Yet, acts of genuine friendship are an important part of what builds a well-functioning society.

I am going to suggest three possible different ways to go about solving th is problem:

1. Execute the favor as a business transaction. Specify the terms of the expected return favor on the front end, in writing. If you expect something in return for a favor, your best bet is to negotiate a barter agreement—or better yet, deal in cash!
2. Do a favor for someone anonymously. Take care to prevent them from discovering your identity. This is the best option if you truly want to do an act of friendship for someone, because it will remove any possibility of you having any right to expect anything from them in return. For example, if you choose to give money to someone, give it through a third party and instruct that person to let the recipient know that the gift is anonymous. Anonymity isn’t always possible, of course, so I’ve created option #3.
3. Use the pay-it-forward method. Tell the other person that in return for the favor, you expect them to do an equal or greater favor for someone else. You might choose to specify a time frame or ask them to notify you when it has been completed. It doesn’t necessarily have to be like-kind. You might, for example, babysit someone’s child if they agree to donate money to a charity of their own choosing and furnish a receipt as proof that they made the donation.

There’s only one piece of the puzzle that I’m trying to figure out. Is it possible to do an unconditional favor for someone—when anonymity isn’t possible, and leave them feeling absolutely no sense of indebtedness to you? I’m not sure that this is possible at the current time, given the state of our culture and human nature. But if you have ideas on this, I’d love to hear your comments below.

[Carolyn Anderson]

Good article, Dave. I generally use the pay it forward method. It is usually the other person that wants to keep things even. They often ask how they can repay me and I just ask them to help someone else when they have the opportunity. I then let it go. I do not ask for any proof. That is a matter for their conscience. If they don't pay it forward, it really does not affect me in any way, so I do not need a receipt. Being able to give is a joy and a privilege. If you try to "keep things even", it detracts from the joy of giving!

I am a volunteer math tutor in the public schools. Sometimes I meet a child outside of school who is struggling and I will offer to meet with the parent and the child for one session. (Mainly so I can help the parent learn how to practice math skills with their child.) When I offer to help, I make it clear that if they want to meet, the time is a gift. I just tell people that helping children is a joy and if they paid me, that it would detract from my pleasure and if they indicate that they still want to pay me, then I suggest that they help someone else out when the opportunity arises.

Sometimes there can be advantages for the giver and that is fine, but it is best not to try to "keep it even". For example, I have a dog and so does a friend of mine. When his wife was dying of cancer, we kept his dog while she was in the hospital. After she died, he wanted to "give back". We had a trip planned, so I asked if he could keep our dog while we were away. He helped us out, and he really enjoyed having our dog in his house just as we had enjoyed caring for his dog. Now we just call when we plan to travel and he does the same. We do not keep track, but we do help each other out often and neither of us has paid to board our dogs in about 3 years.